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MotoGP Race Report - Laguna Seca
Hayden wins. Rossi third. Parallel universe declared
(11/07/2005)

He's Honda's future. He's the best young rising star. He's a future world champion. These are all sentences that are not used to describe Nicky Hayden, however the ex-AMA shepherd's boy put on a such a dominant performance at Laguna Seca that it was almost good enough to get Doohan un-sacked.

Now it's worth pointing out at this point that we're actually talking about a true race win. Not the 'who's gonna win the non-Rossi race' but a true, out and out victory. And yes we are talking about the same Nicky Hayden who's hogged an evil factory Repsol Honda for two and a half years without success - it's not a good, different rider with the same name as some confused fans believed.


Farming a victory. Hayden crops the field.

Hayden's outstanding lights-to-flag victory was the highlight of his factory-to-wheelie bin MotoGP career and was made even sweeter by being surrounded by his expansive immediate family and family pets - many of whom have been romantically linked to the HRC star in the past. The extra incestive incentive, coupled with good local track knowledge, saw the Yankee Repsol Honda rider build a huge lead from Valentino Rossi in the opening laps successfully breaking the Italian's nauseous 'odour cloak' by lap three.
From that point Hayden simply matched his pace with that of his rivals cruising it Stateside to his maiden victory and earning himself a complimentary bucket of Repsol semi-refined oil and a wink from his good looking sister*.

"This wain has being a long timer coming" explained the obvious stating Hayden "I day-dit for ma mama and ma papa."

It wasn't just a good day for Hayden either. Honda, who have been embarrassed by Yamaha recently, managed to smugly hit their rivals back in their woks by beating them on their 50th anniversary celebration race - a race they expected to win.
"We have a saying in our country" declared a top and alarming evil HRC Jap "We say 'when one's noodle has been dishonourably exposed by enemy, you must then expose two of dishonourable enemy's noodles.' I think that say's it all."
By pissing on the Yamaha party fire the now regular HRC steamboat trip to the depths of the Tokyo harbour for 'bad employees' stayed docked and looks certain to remain there until after Donington event in two weeks time.

Mamola place went to Hayden's fellow warring countryman Colin 'The Texan Whirlpool' Edwards. The toothy Texan found time away from signing hefty cheques to insure the continuity of his website to put on a show at Laguna equalling his best ever MotoGP result. More satisfyingly Edwards was able to pass and defeat his highly praised teammate Valentino Rossi in front of his home crowd and special friend Matt 'much fatter in real life' LeBlanc.
By using his famed style of channelling air over his teeth to create a negative pressure Edwards was able to run a softer rear tyre than most of his rivals. This decision seemed to be an excellent one as the Texan cut through the traffic early laps and chased down his hairy teammate in second place. Before half distance Edwards was able to squeeze his fine dentures in front of Rossi before passing him completely the following lap into the famed corkscrew turn. The race then seemed on as Edwards looked certain to catch race leader Hayden setting a series of fastest laps. But, in the style of Formula One, the action never materialised with Edwards having to give up the chase with rear end troubles - like the time he pulled out of the 'All Texan Chilli Eating Competition'.

The final step of the podium went to Valentino Rossi - something that confused a majority of his motorcycle hating fans.
"Theya teracker waz viry, viry dangerous" sulked Rossi "Hi hammer nota viry app-ee witha theez."
After the event Rossi started legal proceedings to have the circuit removed from the 2006 MotoGP calendar on safety grounds - a tactic often used by the world champion to get rid of tracks his doesn't like.
But despite 'only' finishing third Rossi's sweet basil smell of success odorously seeped from his every gland with the news that his nearest rival Marco Melandri ended his fine run of success with a less than fine trip to the scenery collecting his ex-pall Zombie Barros for company.

Weird result eh? Well if you think that's weird spare a thought for those watching qualifying as they witnessed the marsupial loving Troy Bayliss qualify third F.A.S.T.E.S.T**. However during the race Troy moved slowly backwards like an Italian tank finally finishing in a very-decent-for-him sixth position.

Top Honda riders behind Hayden were the aging over-shadowed pair of Maxine Biaggi and Sete Gibernau. Biaggi, who likes to encourage members of his family to fight Melandri, had a race long battle with Gibernau finally pipping the flowing locks of the Spaniard to the line.
"Equal knowledge" stated Wiggy-Biaggi "That's what I needed today. It's clear that Edwards and Hayden had more knowledge than me regarding the track. Oh when will I ever get a level playing field? Still, I did the best I could with the hairpiece I had available."

Gibernau in fifth had another lacklustre race but the Spaniard still refuses to admit his championship season, like Biaggi's original hair, has now gone.
"We had some problems today" sulked the Puddle of Mudd star "I was great but we, and by that I mean them, weren't very good. I hope we can put these issues right so I can start winning again."

Top Bridgestone runner was the Stateside legend John 'Hopping Mad' Hopkins. The Suzuki star had looked fast and even angrier than ever before seemingly ready to show his local fans just how aggressive he could be. Hoppers, a fan of MGPN - thus very intelligent, ran consistently in the top four during practice and qualifying but was unable to fend off the faster and eviler Honda riders on his semi-nail GSXR-V eventually finishing in eighth.
"The HRC coalition have two-stroke oil on their hands" informed Suzuki's head of information Paul Denning™. "As I speak the results are being clarified that we defeated the enemy in another famous victory. Do not believe the lies of Dorna and their allies."

But as Hoppers over performed his gastropodic teammate Kenny McRoberts Junior under performed finishing in a distant fourteenth position blaming the abundance of good food and the annoyance of gout as being key factors in being a bit rubbish.

Other under performers included the Satellite Yam team and of course Makoto 'the new Bayliss' Tamada who felt at unease all weekend after being blamed for Pearl Harbour by a grossly unformed local.

Miniature hero Loris Capirossi was possibly as unlucky as what he was diminished. The Ducati paperweight suffered a serious batch of gastroenteritis after eating half his body weight in steak at a restaurant recommended by food critic Toby Moody.
"That little guy attacked his 12 ounce steak like there was no tomorrow" said one eyewitness "And there nearly wasn't. In my honest opinion he needs to chew his food more, not let his fork drift out so wide and hold a tighter line around the gristle."

In the end though the American public set off home happy to have witnessed a highly successful, if somewhat dull, first ever MotoGP in their ballpark.
"Today was just swell" beamed a fan "Sure, the lack of yellow flags and monster trucks dampened the spirit a little but all in all it was an excellent event. The food was amazing - no foreign crap at all. I had this one 2-foot corndog with extra corn and it was so good I just queued up again and again."
"We've now got a eight hour drive ahead of us" laughed another wide screen-friendly fan "I'd hate to think how long it's gonna take the people who live more than three miles away to get out of this dump and home."


* Who's toes add up to 11 - "close enough is good enough"

** Word processors these days are very powerful. Not only can they detect spelling mistakes they can also adjust grammatical errors. For this reason it was impossible to type the word 'Fastest' and the Australian's name without the computer correcting the error by removing 'Fastest' and replacing it with 'comfortably the slowest'.
MGPN apologises for this slight, unavoidable error.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Re: (banda)

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by banda »</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">motogpnews.com</TD></TR></TABLE>

If you haven't checked it out, you need to. They bash everybody!
 
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