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Not to the script

MotoGP Presents

Ben Spies, Nicky Hayden, Colin Edwards, and bunch of filthy foreigners in an all American production:


Corkscrewed

With special school guest, Roger Billy Bob Hayden

The year is 2010 and after defeating the Germans, cracking the de Vinci code and ***** a new threat has entered the radar and pushed up the security threat level from deep crimson to strong scarlet - the terrorist Europeans in MotoGP.

Scene 1: Qualifying

Ben Spies: "Guys, we're seriously underpowered. The terrorists have stolen our AMA Buell and Harley blueprints and have replicated our technology."
Colin Edwards: "Bastards! Is nothing sacred to them? They'll never take our SR71's though. They'll have used the internet I presume - they're too physically weak to do the dead in person. "
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Da internet? Papa say that is black witch magic and me should stay away"
Ben Spies: "Thanks."
Colin Edwards: (Mumbling) "Inbred pillock. And we thought Nicky was stupid. Speaking of which, where is the simpleton? Qualifying finished three hours ago."

[Film perfect on cue...]

Nicky Hayden: "Guys! I've done it!"
Ben Spies: "Whoa! You got pole? You stuck it to the terrorists?"
Nicky Hayden: "No...err...I finished"
Ben Spies: "Finished? As in qualifying?"
Nicky Hayden: "Yeah. What else?"
Ben Spies: "Seriously Nicky, where the hell have you been? You haven't been on the 'farm tour' again have you? Because you know the farmer said that if the new born cattle had any resemblance to your goofy smile he'd track you down for what he caught you doing."
Nicky Hayden: "No I've been qualifying. I know the timed session finished hours ago but I gotta keep riding around and around. So the Ducati guy said I could ride around in the car park until I unscrewed the wheel nuts."
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Nicky funny! Nicky Funny! Why I see corn?"
Ben Spies: (Sighing) "So guys, here's the deal. We have tangos all around us and we're out numbered. Tomorrow we will need to fight. Many of us probably won't make it. Who's in?"

[Unified muttering...]

Ben Spies: "It's volunteers only!"
All: "Hell yeah! I'm in!"

Meanwhile, somewhere dark, murky and probably piss stained the European's gather. Heading them is their new evil leader Jorge Lorenzo. Jorge likes pasta and is indifferent to the sport of Nascar. He's everything America hates - all that's missing is a moustache and Arabic sounding name. In fact let's call him Jihad Lorenzo.
Jihad sits on an oversized gold chair with a painting of himself hanging on the wall behind. He's addressed as 'Colonel Lorenzo'...which is slightly confusing given that he's only risen to the rank of Colonel despite being the leader...

Jihad Lorenzo: "Soon America will be a Lorenzoland! And I'll take all those fat Americans with their democratic values and supersized fast food too."
Valentino Rossi: (Mumbling) "I used to be the leader...good job the BBC still loves me..."
Dani Pedrosa: "I think we can beat them!"
Jihad Lorenzo: (Looking around) "Seriously. Did anyone else hear that? I know I'm a crazy evil dictator but voices in my head?"
Dani Pedrosa: "It's me! I'm over here..."
Casey Stoner: "I heard it that time too. Seems to be coming from someone's shoe."
Jihad Lorenzo: "Okay guys this is important. Is anyone wearing talking shoes of mass destruction? Please check as you all know my feeling on this."
Valentino Rossi: "Yeah, yeah. We know. Children. Sweatshop. Insulting. We get it."
Dani Pedrosa: "I'm here! I'm a Honda factory rider!"
Jihad Lorenzo: "Did you hear that one whinging boy?"
Casey Stoner: "My name's Casey. And yes I did hear that. I think it was the sound of my bike not working properly. Probably a suspension failure. Or a frame issue. Definitely my bike that's at fault."
Jihad Lorenzo: "Oh yeah...it's always the bike isn't it Casey? Such terrible luck. Maybe your team will stick more little wings on the front to help you on the tricky straights?"

[Muffled giggling]

Jihad Lorenzo: "And maybe they could add a pretend propeller on the front that spins around when you go forward?"
Valentino Rossi: "Haha! Yeah. How comical will that look when he crashes and his bike's just a steaming wreck but with the little propeller still spinning?"
Jihad Lorenzo: "I - would - so - love - to - see - that. As in really, really! Hey who's that guy over there? (Shouting) It's a private evil terrorist plotting training camp party here. Piss off."
Andrea Dovizioso: "It's me!"
Jihad Lorenzo: "Piss off! I've never seen or heard of you in my life. Oh by the way guys, I qualified pole."

[Mumbled hatred]


Scene two: The race

The riders line up on the grid. The putrid smell of the foreign terrorists is almost putting the crowd off their fifth helping from the BBQ island. Today legends would be made. Maybe.

Colin Edwards: "Those bastards talked during our National Anthem! That's a typical trick"
Nicky Hayden: "I sang along! Except for when she sang the long and hard words"
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Nicky my brother! I world champion too"
Ben Spies: "Sure you are. Sure you are. Okay guys, here's the plan. I'll make a rocket start and push for the lead. Nicky you hang around in the 'just off the pace' position and wait for my cue. Colin, you're on stealth duty."
Colin Edwards: "Stealth duty?"
Ben Spies: "Yeah, just sneak around unnoticed. Somewhere where the cameras can't see you and no one realises you're in the race. Just like you've managed every race so far."
Colin Edwards: "You wouldn't let it go would you?"
Ben Spies: "And Roger Billy Bob...you try to stop eating the grass as it will make you sick."
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "That sounds like my name!"
Ben Spies: "Crap! We're off! The sneaking terrorists are trying to get the drop on us! But not on my watch..."

And so the race starts. And as to form all the riders follow their instructions. Even Roger Billy Bob who tries eating sand instead.
But despite all their optimism the filthy foreigners are winning. And this is in America - the land of the fair and free....as long as you're also from America.
It's a sickening scene as Pedrosa leads with Jihad Lorenzo, Rossi and Dozi following. Spies, as usual, is leading the American attack.

Ben Spies: "They're getting away! I need upgrades. I repeat I need upgrades!"
Colin Edwards: "Red 1: What is your position. I repeat, what is your position."
Nicky Hayden: "About a mile or two up the road from you, you bucked toothed tit."
Ben Spies: "Nicky. Can you use some sort of inbred projectile device to take down the leader? I repeat an inbred projectile device to take down the leader."
Nicky Hayden: "Okay guys. I heard you the first time. Why do you keep repeating yourselves? I'm not stupid..."
Ben Spies & Colin Edwards: (giggling) "Oh sorry, our mistake dude."
Nicky Hayden: "Firing my weapon of modest destruction..."
Ben Spies: "Modest destruction?"
Nicky Hayden: "Yeah, it's more family friendly. Less homes wrecked if and when they fly off course into an Arabic village"

Seconds later, the race leader Dani Pedrosa is down and out.

Nicky Hayden: "F*** yeah! Direct hit!"
Ben Spies: "Whoa! USA 1: Slimebags 0. You hit the homerun Nicky!"
Colin Edwards: "Not bad."
Nicky Hayden: "Take that you little f***er. Remember Portugal? Remember? Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now? Eat my sand!"
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Little man go bang!"

But despite the glory of seeing Pedrosa crash out into the sand the rest of the terrorists, led by Jihad Lorenzo, continue on their evil path to the destruction of Laguna Seca and the very fabric of the US constitution.


Scene 3: The final laps

Ben Spies: "Okay guys, here's the ten - ten."
Colin Edwards: "The what?"
Nicky Hayden: "Big numbers scare me...Papa Earl says counting is for the devil"
Ben Spies: (holding his head in his hands down the home straight) "Okay. We're nearly out of time. The clock is ticking and we need to save the planet. I.e. America. Nicky you're the leading Yank in fifth, move over - I'm coming through."

But in an ill timed manoeuvre Ben runs wide...

Nicky Hayden: "Argh! Friendly fire! Friendly fire!"
Colin Edwards: "Hell! Is there an A10 around?"
Nicky Hayden: "It's Ben...I think we've lost him..."

[Silence...a long an uncomfortable silence...]

Ben Spies: "Keep the seat warm I'm home baking the apple pies for the home team!"
Colin Edwards: "Ben!"
Nicky Hayden: "Ben!"
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Glenn!"
Nicky Hayden: "God dammit! You scared the hell out of us! We thought we'd lost you back there."
Ben Spies: "It'd take more than a rough, poorly constructed corner covered in ripples and dust backed up with inadequate medical facilities to take me down."
Nicky Hayden: "I love you Ben."
Ben Spies: "I love you two guys. I love you too. Okay men I have an idea. It's a long shot but it just might work..."
Colin Edwards: "Long shots always work! We can't fail!"
Nicky Hayden: "Are you sure though it's a long shot? Because if it's only a 'longish' shot that will always fail."
Colin Edwards: "That's true! A longish shot working? What are the odds on that ever working? Ben, it needs to be a long shot."
Nicky Hayden: "It gotta be a long shot. It just gotta be. If you think it's not quite long enough then do it one handed - that ought to make it long enough..."
Ben Spies: "What the hell are you two clowns on about? Okay, get ready for Operation 'smash the Arabs'"

** Hollywood ending ***

With that war cry Spies, powered by the American nation and a carefully concealed sidewinder missile, calls in the air support of the F15 Strike Eagles.
USAF Pilot: "Ben can you give me lock on the bogies?"
Ben Spies: "Is the Pope a Nazi? Consider it done!"
USAF Pilot: "Lock on supplied. Good work guys. I'm firing the air to surface...argh!!"
Ben Spies: "What?"
USAF Pilot: "Looks like we have a filthy foreign UFO aircraft powered by olive oil on my tail. I can't shake their grey technology."
Colin Edwards: "Leave this to me!"
USAF Pilot: "Captain Edwards! It's an honour! But how did you get up here flying a jet fighter?"
Colin Edwards: "Let's just say I got a little help from my friends...."
USAF Pilot: "...err...actually that doesn't explain anything..."

But before he could ponder the situation anymore the Euro-UFO was destroyed in a ball of flames!

Ben Spies: "Hell yeah! Burnt to death! Strike one! Hope their mothers weep for a decade at the prospect of their son's cinder like carcasses! "
USAF Pilot: "Okay guys - missiles fired! Cover your ears..."

Sometime later, in bar watching baseball and drinking cool Miller beer, the four American sit back and contemplate a job well done.

Colin Edwards: "Looks like the world is safe again."
Nicky Hayden: "And I guess we won't be seeing those terrorist guys anytime soon."
Ben Spies: "Not unless there's a sequel!"
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Seagul!"

The riders share a laugh at Roger's inbred retardness - Roger joins in a few seconds later unaware that he's probably quite mentally ill.


** Actual ending **

The Americans are unable to catch the Europeans and finish in a grumpy heap behind Lorenzo, Stoner, Rossi and Dozi.

Nicky Hayden: "You guys are shit."
Ben Spies: "No you're shit"
Colin Edwards: "No you both are."
Roger Billy Bob Hayden: "Sand makes my teef hurt"
Ben Spies: "God, when's de Puniet back?"
Race organiser: "Don't worry. I'll play the wrong national anthem - that will teach them a lesson for beating us."
 

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Thread saved! Thanks Jami for saving me the utter waste of time that appeared to be.
 

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I laughed, I cried, I kissed 5 minutes good-bye.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
What a complete waste of bandwidth? Not even remotely funny or interesting? Much like yourself!;)
I am so dissappointed and crushed to be not able to entertain you, neither through the article or myself. How will I survive?! :rolleyes:

I like this site, I think they have some funny stuff. :D
 

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I think the first thing I ever read on motogpnews was funny. So I bookmarked it and checked back every so often waiting for another funny one. And waited. And waited. The only thing I retain from reading that inane site in the past was regarding Elias, I always think of him as "Fat Toni".

Superbikeplanet is a great source for news, commentary, and pictures. Their series "Satire by Ohlin" or whatever, it completely lame. I have never read one I thought was any good, and have read superbikeplanet since its early days.

You want funny shit about bikes, look at the caption contests on this site, or any post on any board by a certain mrgrn.
 
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