Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table..
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
So three guys were in the jungle and were captured by a wild
tribe.
When they get to the camp, the chief says,"We will let u live,
if you can do a task. if you fail, we will kill you. The first thing you
need to do is get 10 of a kind of fruit. any fruit. then come see
us."
so the first guy comes back with 10 apples, and the chief
says,"now shove them all up your ass without making a sound." so
the guy gets to the 3rd apple and he grunts. so they kill him,
and he floats up to heaven.
now the 2nd guy comes back with 10 grapes and the chief says the
same thing. so the guy gets in 9 grapes. Then he suddenly bursts
out laughing. so they kill him too and he goes up to heaven.
when he gets up there the first guy asked,"why did you start laughing,
you almost made it." and the second guy says,"I would have. but i
laughed when i saw the other guy coming back with pineapples."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female.
"Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora; it's a small world. So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The oth er guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head &
mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.
Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."
"Really? says the duck?"
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big
pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."
The duck looked very puzzled.
"What the f**k would he want with a plasterer?"
A Brit, an American, and an Irishman are all in a bar having a few beers. A fly buzzes along, and lands in the Brit's beer, who then pushes the unfinished mug away, saying "I cant drink that now". The fly then lands in the American's beer, who shoos it away with a wave of his hand, and takes a hearty swig. The fly then lands in the Irishman's beer, who grabs it by the wings and shakes it violently over the glass while yelling "SPIT IT OUT YA WEE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!"
A redhead goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor asks whats the problem? She says the that everywhere she touchs it hurts. The doc says like where? She said everywhere I touch. The doc looks at her and says your not really a redhead are you? She says well no I am blond I died my hair red. He says I thought so, and by the way your finger is broke.
A priest and a rabbi are standing on the corner and a young boy walks by. The priest looks to the rabbi and says should we f**k him? And the rabbi says out of what?
A farmhand in outback Queensland was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hits something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and Squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp
you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what You said,boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I
Got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike .. . . the flashing blue light is Jammed under the wheel-arch."
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
A fleeing al Qaeda terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first."
OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If
you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM till 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Joke friday
my joke
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