Joke friday

[boom boom]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the .3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was
brought
in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong.

[Red Enough]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?



















A. The Fish.

[Red Enough]

A man walks into a clock shop and approaches an attractive and immaculately attired middle-aged sales lady.
He whips out his dick and plonks it onto the counter.

Lady - " Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop NOT a cock shop."

Man - " Yeah I know, can I get you to stick a face and 2 hands on this?"

[Red Enough]

Little Johnny returns to school with his classmates after their Christmas break.
The teacher asks the students to tell a story only using proper terms and not baby talk.

Little Suzie stands up and says
"When I was on holidays my Mummy got sick and had a stomach pain."

"Very good Suzie!" Says the teacher. "Please sit down."

Little Robbie stands up and says
"When I was on holidays my Daddy had an operation on his hand."

"Very good Robbie!" Says the teacher. "Please sit down."

Little Johnny stands up and says
" When I was on holidays we stuck fire-crackers up frogs butts."

"Good Heavens Johnny!" The teacher exclaimed, "Don't you mean rectum?"

"Done more than rectum miss," said Johhny "it totally f&cked 'em!"

[Gog]

Doctor: I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating.
Patient: OH no, no...no, no, no. For how long doc?
Doctor: At least until the rectal exam is over.

[Old Fart]

10 Things That Piss Me Off, by George Carlin . . .

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". **** off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you ****ing pulled me over.

[Old Fart]

A child asked his father why their pet cat had died on its back with its legs in the air.
"It is easier for Jesus to pick him up and take him to heaven," he explained.
A few days later the father came home and his child came running to him all excited.
"Whats wrong?" he asked the child.
"Oh Daddy we almost lost Momma today . I went in her room and her legs were straight up in the air and she was yelling 'Oh Jesus' and if it weren't for Uncle Ned holding her down she would have been gone."

[Old Fart]

A copy error could change your life

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help
the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices,
however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
He points out that if there were an error in the first copy,
that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes
down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against
the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. One of the monks goes
downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the
back of the cellar, and finds the head monk leaning over one of
the original books crying.
He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate," says the head monk.

[Old Fart]

A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to clearing.

There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection. "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."

"OK, if you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It's 2 o'clock."

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket. "Don't tell me... you're telling time also?"

The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."

"Okay, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It's 4 o'clock."

The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon another Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are telling time!?"

The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

[Old Fart]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the
husband replied, "in-laws."

[Red Enough]

Mick and Sean were walking along the road when they passed a timber yard.
A sign on the gate said TREE FELLERS WANTED.
Mick says "sure and it's a shame Paddy wasn't with us, we could've got a job."

[Old Fart]

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man
stopped her, saying, "That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This
is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet 25 cents I can guess why you called him
that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."
He laughed, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him that because he ****s pigs."

edit: Oops,, I posted this one on page 2

[jwm2k3]

In Heat
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[jwm2k3]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.'He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have
a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone
else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this
time."

[jwm2k3]

What a day!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[jwm2k3]

The Forgotten Anniversary

Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.

[cheekybloke]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello,' and I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is James Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked. 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after 5:00.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me!'
He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax, in a yellow ranch, and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Ass hole #2. He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now!'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on the way over here to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News, about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work!

[Old Fart]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and
sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball..........stuck right in the
middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Old Fart]

A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
by Joseph Lucas

All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical

We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.

The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works right afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.

"A gentleman does not motor about after dark."


Joseph Lucas, 1842-1903

[Old Fart]

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
- Ronnie Shakes