Joke friday

[RockyMt]

No problem, I'll be here all week, 2 drink minimun, don't forget to tip yer server......

-Rocky-

[Gog]

A young ventriloquist is touring through the United States and stops to entertain at a small, hidden, out of the way, discreet, membership only, private, secret gay bar in San Francisco. He's going through his usual stupid rednecks jokes when RockyMt stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. Just because we likes George W. Bush dont make us stupid and we is smart enough to nuke all of you smart asses... it's far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when dawg pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, he's talking to the smart ass on your knee."

[duckdawg]

I guess ya had to be there...

[roadkill]

Originally Posted by Gog

A young ventriloquist is touring through the United States and stops to entertain at a small, hidden, out of the way, discreet, membership only, private, secret gay bar in San Francisco. He's going through his usual stupid rednecks jokes when RockyMt stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. Just because we likes George W. Bush dont make us stupid and we is smart enough to nuke all of you smart asses... it's far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when dawg pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, he's talking to the smart ass on your knee."

Don't the Maritime Provinces have the highest suicide rates in the world? Seriously, I read that somewhere. I always wondered why. Now I know.

[cheekybloke]

A man gets home late from work and decides he's up for a bit of loving.
He goes to the bedroom and thinks to himself 'I'll wake her up with oral sex, she loves it!'
He slids under the duvet and gets too work. She's loving it and comes all over his face.
Before he continues, he goes to the bathroom to clean himself up and sees his wife shaving her legs.
'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?'
'Don't shout dear, you'll wake your mother.'

[cheekybloke]

I hear petrol stations are playing porn movies while you fill up.
Just so you can see someone else getting f###ed too!

[XFBO]

No matter what Morris did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, & makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, & should bring on an orgasm."

They go home & follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, & he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, & the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay,"he says to the husband, "Try it in reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife, & you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, & hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, & the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, & says to him triumphantly: "You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

[cheekybloke]

Nabisco have invented a new biscuit, its called the clitoris cream..................one lick and you will want to eat the box

[cheekybloke]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T .) .

We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. , please see
your supervisor.. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T .) .

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, because they are all full of S.H.I.T.. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T. , you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. ) .

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H..I.T.)

[Old Fart]

New Mexico Cowboy

A young cowboy from Socorro goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at USC that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' say s his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our cowboy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' '

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Gog]

[Gog]

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.

He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[duckdawg]

:d ...

[cheekybloke]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. The Lone Ranger is fast asleep when Tonto shakes him awake.

"Kemo Sabe, look to sky, what you see?"

"Millions of stars" the Lone Ranger replies.

"You know what that mean?" Tonto asks.

The Lone Ranger thinks deeply, then replies.

"Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies, billions of stars, and that the universe is vast.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo, and that good fortune will befall us both soon.

Chronologically, it tells me that it is about 3.15 am.

Theologically, it tells me that God is all powerful, and that we are but small and insignificant in his great creation.

Meteorogically, it tells me that we are in for a beautiful day tomorrow."

Pleased with his answer, the Lone Ranger asks "Now, my friend, what does it tell you?"



"You dumb as Buffalo shit. Tent stolen."

[cheekybloke]

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up

over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still

shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of
me.'



The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't

realize a mere tap on the shoulder Could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is

my first day driving a cab....

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years

[cheekybloke]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B.J. Titsenbikes'

[Gog]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Vitza]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her Purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some ass hole's got my pen!'

[cheekybloke]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.



Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'



Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.



Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

[Gog]

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

...my fav: Chuck Norris makes onions cry.