Joke friday

[cheekybloke]

A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, “Did you say that?”

The parrot said, “I'm just trying to warn you, that's all.”

The burglar asked, “Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?”

“Moses.”

“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?”

The bird answered, “I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.“

[Gog]

A guy is getting ready to leave a house party and, somehow, ends up having to drive the drunkest fool home. He gets him up, fumbles towards the door, gets him to his car, props him up and looks for his car keys. The drunk guy falls flat on his face, he eats the dirt.
The guy gets the drunk up, gets him in his car and dives to the drunk's house. He gets him out of the car but when he goes to shut the door the drunk face plants into the pavement. He gets him up again and staggers to the drunk's door and rings the bell. He takes his hands off the drunk to get the screen door open when the light comes on but, again, the drunk fall face first into the railing of the deck.

Just then the drunk's wife opens the door..
"I brought your drunken husband home from the party".
"Oh Thank You" the drunk's wife replies..."Where's his wheelchair"? doh

[Rocket51]

A man walks up to the bar at an Irish pub. The bartender asks the man "Say, is that music I hear?"

"Yes, yes it is" the man sighs. He then pulls from his coat a little man, about a foot tall, playing a piano.

"Say!" the bartender asks "Where did you get that!?"

"See that guy drinking in the corner? He's a leprechaun. He's granting wishes."

"Really!?" asks the bartender. "Be a good laddy and watch me bar for a moment."

So the bartender walks briskly over to the little man dressed in green and asks "Are you a leprechaun?"

The leprechaun looks up groggily and says "I am. One wish."

The bartender exclaims excitedly, "I wish I had a million bucks!"

The leprechaun points toward to the door and mumbles "Look outside. Your wish has been granted."

So the bartender runs to the door only to find ducks, as far as the eye can see. Ducks of every kind. About a million ducks.

The bartender sulks back inside and retakes his place behind the bar. "Say," he says to the man who was kind enough to watch the bar "I believe that leprechaun is hard of hearing."

The man looks back at him and replies "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[cheekybloke]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men excused himself, and went off for a pee. Those who remained
talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best mate a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "That's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the airline, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new Learjet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company. He secured some massive contracts in Dubai and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth guy returned from the toilet and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son? What does he do?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
as male prostitute, and as a stripper at a gay nightclub."

The other three are horrified. One said: "What a shame ...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly, either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three best customers."

[Old Fart]

Beautiful cheek, beautiful. !

[Gog]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[cheekybloke]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25 , a woman is like Africa : wild , naturally beautiful and full of mysterious , fertile areas.

- Between 26 and 34 , a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade , especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44 , a woman is like India : sensual , relaxed , in full bloom , aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54 , a woman is like France : mature , showing her age, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60 , a woman is like Yugoslavia : years of conflict, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

- Between 61 and 65 , a woman is like Russia : vast , with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66 and 70 , a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past , great conquests , but without a future.

- After 70 , a woman is like Afghanistan: many know its whereabouts , but no-one dares to venture there...

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90 , a man is like Zimbabwe : ruled by a dick...

[Gog]

This helmet sucks
Halo: Samsung Silencio Is Unofficial Halo Vacuum Cleaner

[cheekybloke]

Originally Posted by Gog

This helmet sucks
Halo: Samsung Silencio Is Unofficial Halo Vacuum Cleaner

Begs the question WHY?

[Old Fart]

A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
by Joseph Lucas

All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical

We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.

The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works right afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.

"A gentleman does not motor about after dark."


Joseph Lucas, 1842-1903

[Old Fart]

you know your a bike freak when...

all your cars and trucks are parked outside because the garage is full of bikes and parts.

you think woman are turned on by the sound of a bike starting.

you have a collection of air filters (10) but only one fits your current bike.

every shirt you own is cotton with something written on it.

you think that dressing up means putting on a brand new t-shirt and jeans.

all your pants are stained with chain lube.

you have more riding boots than dress shoes.

you have three sets of tools metric ,regular and those goofy british things.

sunday is set aside for riding instead of watching sports on tv.

when your bike makes a funny ticking noise and you know right away what it is without even looking.

you donn't even flinch when your hit by a bug when riding.

you can tell what bike it is just by hearing the exhaust.

swomeday you would like to find your first bike and restore it.

your bike is worth more than your car or truck.

you shudder when you see some body tighten spokes with a cresent wrench.

the sides of your tires are worn more than the center.

you know how and when to use your front brake.

the only springsteen you know rides flat track.

you wash your parts in old gasoline even though it's about as safe as sorting out live rattle snakes.

almost nothing on your new bike is stock and almost everything on yourvintage bike is.

when your income tax comes in you start thinking about buying bike parts.

[Old Fart]

There were two guys on a motorcycle riding down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him,"are either of them showing any lifesigns?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

[Old Fart]

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder, orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"
"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the friggin place!"

[Old Fart]

A truck driver was eating breakfast at a lunch counter, when a gang of motorcycle tough-guys walked in. One of the bikers put his finger in the truck driver's coffee and said, "Not very hot, is it?" Then another biker put his finger in the scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, are they?" Finally, without saying a word, the trucker paid for his meal and left. "Wasn't much of a man, was he?", the gang leader asked the waitress. "He's no great driver either", replied the waitress. "He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles."

[Gog]

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high of $3.15 this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." --Amy Poehler

"Oil has fallen to $100a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies. That's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." --Jay Leno

"California now has the most expensive gas prices. Gas is so expensive now that drivers are shooting themselves instead of each other. It's affecting a lot of people. You just wait for the Indy 200 at the end of the month." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices, aren't they crazy? It's so expensive that rats are carpooling in from New Jersey." --David Letterman

"There was a sign at the station near by my house that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express." --Jay Leno

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." --Jay Leno

"To counteract all the bad publicity they've been getting, the oil companies plan to introduce full-page ads explaining where your gas dollar goes. Before you explain that, explain where you get gas for a dollar. There's no such thing as a gas dollar. It's your gas five dollar." --Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for sport utility victim." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $5 a gallon.' ... Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton." --David Letterman

"President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." —Jay Leno

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by the gas stations." -- Jay Leno

"On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno

"The average price of gas is now $4.00 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $4.30 a gallon. Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here in California gas prices have gone up to more than $4 a gallon. So not only didn’t we find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq…apparently we didn't find any oil there either. Didn't we win the war? I thought that gas would be free now." —Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a big $286 billion highway bill yesterday. The sad part, $285 billion of it is for gas money." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices have risen again. Prices are so bad here in L.A. that guys in Beverly Hills are hiring hookers to siphon gas out of other people's cars." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices at an all-time high here in California. Like, $4.30, in Malibu. Gas is so expensive, women in Beverly Hills now can't afford to run over their cheating husbands with their Mercedes anymore." --Jay Leno

"The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." --Tina Fey

"President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." —Jay Leno

"How many have seen 'March of the Penguins'?...You know why they're marching? They can't afford gas." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno

"John McCain made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Gas is so expensive now, today I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars." --Jay Leno

"How many went to the beach this weekend? How many went to the mountains? How many just piled in the family car, sat in the driveway, and pretended you could actually afford gas to go somewhere?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration announced they're going to be looking now into some short-term solutions into high gasoline prices. ... They're looking to solve the problem, I don't know, up to the first week in November." —Jay Leno

"This week, the economy is still suffering, the economy is at an all-time low, gas prices are going up over $4 a gallon. In other words, President Bush is back from vacation and back on the job." —Jay Leno

[cheekybloke]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[Old Fart]

English Patient An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

[RockyMt]

Gog, your jealousy is amusing, but we all understand, living in a 2nd rate country is kinda like being the first loser.....work hard, study english and someday maybe we'll let you in......

-Rocky-

[RockyMt]

Hey, I've got a good joke.......CANADA!

-Rocky-

(sorta like Mexico, except the beer and weather both suck and their english is hard to understand sometimes......)

[duckdawg]

now THAT was funny...