Joke friday

[cheekybloke]

An Eskimo driving through Wales breaks down.
A passing farmer offers to take a look under the bonnet.

Welsh Farmer: "You've blown a seal."

Eskimo: "So f**kin' what, you shag sheep."

[RAZR51]

What do girls from Kentucky and bear cubs have in common?

They both like to lick their paws!!!

[RAZR51]

How do you find the pussy on a fat girl?

The obvious....roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.....or

Start peeling away the flabs of fat around her ass, when you get to one that smells like shit......you back up one

[Mashuri]

A horse walks into a bar
The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Why the long face?"

[Mashuri]

While on stage at a fund raiser for Africa, Bono (lead singer of U2 for you hermits out there) starts clapping his hands every second until the whole crowd starts clapping with him. He then says, "Every time we clap our hands, a person in Africa dies of AIDS." A few seconds later, a Scottish man yells from the crowd, "Then stop yer clappin' ya evil fooking bastard!"

[Haywood]

An American on vacation in Ireland stops in at a local pub. He sits down with a pint and a few minutes later, one of the locals named Angus joins him...

Angus: I see you're not from around here.

American: No, I'm on vacation, just travelling.

Angus: Well, would you like to know a little history of our little town?

American: Sure, why don't you tell me.

Angus: See that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me own hands, and do they call me Angus the Bridgemaker? No. See that barn over there? I built that barn with me own hands, and do they call me Angus the Barnbuilder? No. I've built nearly half this town with me own hands, and what do they call me?

American: Well, what do they call you?

Angus: Well, ya f*ck one goat....

[soslow]

Three blokes go to the races. Before the last race they have just about done all their money and decide to pool what's remaining.

They need to work out which horse to back. They decide to measure their dicks, add the measurements up and back the horse whose number corresponds to the total. The first bloke's dick is six inches long, the second is four inches, and the third is two inches. Six plus four plus two = twelve. They back number twelve and it romps home.

Now they need to divide the winnings. The first bloke says "My dick is six inches; six is half of twelve; I should get half the money."

The second bloke says: "My dick is four inches; four is one third of twelve; I should get a third."

The last bloke reckons he should get all the money. The other two ask why. He says: "If I hadn't cracked a fat we would have backed number eleven."

[Red Enough]

2 Indian men migrate to London with their families from Bombay.
They decide to make a bet on which of them will become more English in their first year of settlement.
After 12 months they meet in a cafe.
The first Indian says:

"I am very English bud bud! I had the fish and chips for lunch. My son, he play soccer and now I am off to pub for pint."

The second Indian says:














"F#ck off ya curry-muncher."

[duckdawg]

247(Jeff), Dani Pedrosa, and Valentino Rossi are sitting in a hot tub...
not that there's anything wrong with that...

[Old Fart]

Originally Posted by duckdawg

247(Jeff), Dani Pedrosa, and Valentino Rossi are sitting in a hot tub...
not that there's anything wrong with that...

Ouch that hurts

[cheekybloke]

Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
'Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up house in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. '

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:





I don't fukkin' think so.

[cheekybloke]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.
'Ah, Pierre' asks one, ' 'ow 'av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'

'And? Zen what 'appened?' inquires his friend.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp only five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?'

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?'

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp only ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?'

'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'



'Just a bit, at ze beginning.'

[cheekybloke]

The Neocons on the forum will like this
Go to google, type "French Military Victories" in the search box, and hit "I'm feeling lucky." See what comes up then click on the result.

[Old Fart]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the
husband replied, "in-laws."

[Old Fart]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in
order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of
the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about
it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on
the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the
movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Old Fart]

An Old Man On The Beach...

An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I
want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.


"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.

Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
says.

"NO! Get away from me"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I
said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five
hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute"
she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he
starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my
god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[Old Fart]

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner.He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order
it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

[Old Fart]

Subject: BEER TEST

Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[Old Fart]

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden GateBridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding.
Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?" "67 MPH, son! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!

Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum
stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be
stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two.
Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE!!!

[Old Fart]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church."Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I hadrelations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary.The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman dress sits without taking care to pull her dress down.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."