Joke friday

[Old Fart]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."*

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young." "I wanted to help the government, **so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. **I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"

[Old Fart]

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my ex wife's lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to the lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling
you that her lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[Old Fart]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided
to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe
what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

[Old Fart]

Let me tell you what happened yesterday - November 8th - during a normal working day at FedPol - SPN Zeebrugge.

I was teamed up with Glenn Debaene - better known as "Q" because he likes gadgets.

On an info gathering mission, we walk into a bar in Zeebrugge and take seats next to a very attractive woman. Glenn gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," Glenn replies, "I am a police officer and I was issued a this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Glenn explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Glenn smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[duckdawg]

A motor cop pulls over an elderly couple in an Oldsmobile. At the window, he asks the driver for his license and registration. Th old woman, obviuosly hard of hearing leaned over and said "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The old man replied "he wants to see my license and registration." "OH!" the woman retorted.
The officer tells the old guy 'I'm gonna run this in the system, it'll just take a minute."
Again the old woman hollers "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
the old man says "he's going to check my license."
"OH" the woman says.
After returning to the car the officer remarked"I see you're from Minnesotta, worst piece of ass I ever had was from Minnesotta."
Again the old woman yells "WHAT DID HE SAY ?"
To which the old man replied
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA!"...

[Old Fart]

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing."
The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him that because he f**ks pigs."

[jwm2k3]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says,"Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f*cked a penguin, Dopey f*cked a penguin!"

[jwm2k3]

A third grader angrily tells his dad that he's been suspended from school. The dad, more than shocked by this demands an explanation...

'Well,' says the kid 'we were working on our multiplication and the teacher asked me what 8 x 4 was. So I said 4 x 8 is 32. The teacher told me it was wrong'

The father, rather puzzled asked why it was wrong and why he got in trouble for it...

The kid starts to explain. 'She told me the problem was 8 x 4, NOT 4 x 8'...

'8 x 4, 4 x 8' the father interupts, 'what's the ****in' difference???'

'Yeah,' the kid says, 'that's EXACTLY what I asked her!'

[jwm2k3]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[jwm2k3]

A priest and a rabbi, who were close friends were skinny dipping in local pond on afternoon. Just as they were getting out to gather their clothes, a group of hikers wandred by. Startled, the priest covered his package while the rabbi covered his face...

'Why is it Rabbi Klein, that when that group came upon us you covered your face up?' asked the priest...

'Well you see Father,' explained the rabbi 'in my congregation they recognize me by my face'

[Scudelli]

EXCHANGE RATES ..................

An Asian woman goes into a bank in Australia and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I
get two hunat dollar fo my money, today I ony get a hunat eighty?"

The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."

The Asian woman says, "Fluc you Ozzies too!"


...Well, I laughed.

[Scudelli]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.


"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It́s better than 'Derek'."

[Scudelli]

Subject: The devil & Bush


George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I
could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I
could do was break rocks
all day" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his
head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said,

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Larry D]

A mexican kid arrives at a machine shop looking for a job. The foreman greets him and says, i will hire you if you can use green pink and yellow in a sentence. Can you do that? The kids says yes. When the phone goes green green green i pink it up and say yellow.

[boom boom]

a sunday school teacher asks her class if they know the true meaning of Easter.

A little boy puts up his hand and says...." easter is when we put on costumes and go door to door and ask for candy". The teacher says to him that he is incorrect, that he is thinking of halloween.

A little girl goes next. She says that easter is when jesus was born and as also santa arrives and brings us lots of presents. The teacher tells her that she is also incorrect and that she was refering to christmas. A little miffed she asks the class again if anyone can explain the true meaning of easter.

Another little girl puts up her hand and the teacher tells her to explain...
" easter is all about when jesus died and they took him down from the cross and placed his body in a cave.

the teacher is noticably proud of the young girl and asks her if that is the end of the story. The little girl responded that there was more and told the class that after three days the cave opened and jesus came out... and if he saw his shadow there would be six more weeks of winter....

[Baasinator]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?

A: An elephant stuck to the roof of your mouth.

[Baasinator]

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "I've got bad news. You've got cancer and you've got Alzheimers."

Guy says, "Whew, at least I don't have cancer!"

[TVC 15]

Whats white and sticks to the roof of your mouth? Penis butter.

[Old Fart]

Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time.
Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his
mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

[zen748]

A young man had just completed training to be a ventriloquest and went out to hone his craft.

He drove out to the country and came upon a small farm.

He decided to have a little fun with the farmer who sat on his front porch with his trusty yellow dog.

Howdy sir, I see you have a talking dog.

The farmer looked puzzled.

So, how do you like living here, the young man asked the dog.

I like it alot. I get to sleep alot, and get plenty to eat. And the my owner takes great care of me.

The farmer is astonished that his dog can talk and looks at the young man in amazement.

Next, the young ventriloquest spots a hen pecking corn in the yard. I see you also have a talking chicken?

"not that I know of"

Mind if I ask her a question?

"go ahead"

How do you like living on this far, does the farmer treat you well?

Yes he does. He gives me plenty of corn and takes good care of me and my chicks!
At this point, the farmer is amazed, and the young man is pleased with his results.

He walks further out into the yard and the farmer follows closely.

They come across the goat pen.

Mind if I talk to the goat, the young man ask the farmer?

















"THAT GOAT'S A F*CKING LIAR!!"







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